What stupid mistakes have you made when pursuing girls? Do you have any experiences to share?

After reading a bunch of answers, I found them not down-to-earth enough, lacking in underlying logic, and not clear enough to understand.

Then I will simply end this question. This answer is a textbook-level emotional cognition, written for all male friends, I hope you can find your own happiness~

Whether you are making friends or falling in love, if you want to win the other person’s favor, you must make the other person feel that you are “unique”.

The first thing is to provide emotional value to the other party.

But many people don’t understand the importance of providing emotional value, so even if they spend a lot of time chatting with the other person, they will still leave the other person with two impressions:

a. Chatting with you is “boring”

b. Only able to discuss the issue at hand, which turns into a debate

Let’s talk about the first one first: Chatting is “boring”

When chatting with someone you like or someone of the opposite sex you just met, many people always start by talking about “daily trivialities” or asking about the other person’s status every day.

This may be understandable at first, but if it continues for a long time, and every chat becomes an “information exchange” for no reason, it will soon become boring.

Chatting is something that requires both parties to invest time and energy. If both parties cannot feel happy during the chat, it is better to end the conversation and do their own things.

This results in two phenomena:

1. The other party saw your message but did not reply
2. The chat gradually becomes cold, and the chat is perfunctory with “ending” words

If the other person doesn’t reply to your messages for several hours, or doesn’t send you a message for half a day or a whole day, or if the other person often replies to you with perfunctory closing words such as “um”, “oh”, “ah”, “ok”, “fine”, etc., asking you to end the conversation on your own initiative.

As for the other 80%, the other party has no interest in you or the topic of conversation and has no intention of replying to you.

Generally, people with some social sense will end the chat after noticing it. But many people will always ask “what’s wrong?”, “why didn’t you reply?”, “did I say something wrong?”, etc., and they will also feel anxious and worried.

The best approach in this situation is to recognize the other person’s emotions, take the initiative to end the topic, and then find another opportunity to start a new topic.

Let’s talk about the second one: “Talk about the matter”

Every time we chat, I feel like we are seriously “talking about things”. It feels like we are not chatting just for the sake of chatting, but as if we must talk through one thing clearly before we stop.

But in fact, our chatting is meant to be relaxed and happy, and the real “right or wrong” and “facts” are not of much significance.

This kind of conversation pattern often appears in “official business” situations, such as work, business discussions, and serious matters.

For example:

“Mr. X, we still need to modify and optimize this project plan.”

“Hello sir, this product is the best from our XX and is very suitable for you.”

These are all conversations about the matter at hand, which are very suitable for our daily office work and handling of matters because being straightforward improves work efficiency.

However, if you want to have a good time chatting with friends, you have to “provide emotional value” so that the other person feels that chatting with you is not just about talking about things, but also about feeling your emotional changes.

So how can we provide emotional value? What are the replicable chat tips? I will share them with you below. I guarantee you will gain something after reading them.

“Three Swords” provides emotional value

The essence of providing emotions is to make the conversation between each other more interesting. Even if it is exaggerated or a little bit pretentious, as long as it can make two people feel happy, it is a good chat mode.

1. The first cut: moderate self-deprecation

The simplest and most effective way to express humor is to make fun of yourself. Appropriate self-deprecation can adjust the atmosphere of the conversation and provide emotional value to the other party.

We all know that self-deprecation is not simply self-denial, but a kind of self-confidence that allows one to face one’s own shortcomings and make fun of one’s own flaws, which can also bring happiness to those around one.

Specific approach: When you discover your own shortcomings, accept and acknowledge them frankly, and then explain the shortcomings in a rational way.

Formula: admitting shortcomings + reasonable association + explaining and amusing

For example:

——I fell down while walking today and it didn’t hurt at all, luckily I had so much flesh to cushion me~

——I am not a RMB, so it is normal that not many people like me~

This kind of self-deprecation is mainly about facing your own shortcomings calmly and admitting them, and having the courage to explain them humorously in front of everyone. This will make everyone feel that you are confident and dare to face your shortcomings, and you will also make everyone laugh.

PS: Don’t make fun of yourself too much, because it will become self-deprecation and self-harm. It will easily make others feel that you don’t respect yourself, which will have the opposite effect. It’s okay to make fun of yourself occasionally.

2. The second knife: emotional ups and downs

Let me tell you a secret: the secret of love lies in the ups and downs of emotions.

The answer can be found in the field of psychology, the “suspension bridge effect”:

The suspension bridge effect refers to the fact that when a person crosses a suspension bridge with trepidation, his heartbeat will involuntarily speed up. If he happens to meet another person at this time, he will mistakenly interpret the accelerated heartbeat caused by this situation as a physiological reaction caused by the other person making his heart beat faster, and thus develop feelings of love for the other person.

It’s like: when you were a kid, you bullied a girl and accidentally made her cry. Then you felt bad and tried to coax her, giving her gifts to make her happy, and so on, and finally you reconciled. At this point, you felt that your relationship had become closer and more favorable, and the spark of love was born.

Do it this way: Your expression gives the other person a sense of emotional ups and downs.

Formula: First negate, then affirm

For example:

——You: “Haha, you’re so stupid, but you’re still pretty cute.” (Deny first, then say yes)

▶Other person: Humph, then what do you think is good or bad?

The ups and downs of emotions brought about by this are like walking on a “suspension bridge”. You can’t guess whether there will be danger in the next second. This sense of insecurity will accelerate your heartbeat and create a feeling of excitement, which will give rise to the spark of love.

The benefit of doing this: The feeling of uncertainty you bring to the other person is like watching a movie with an unknown plot in the next second, which will make him/her concentrate on it involuntarily.

PS: When making the other person feel emotional, it must be within the appropriate range. If you are too positive, the other person will think you are boring, and if you are too negative, the other person will easily think you are attacking him/her. Of course, the most important thing is that we should all say such things under the premise of sincere respect, and make each other feel comfortable, rather than offend each other.

3. The third knife: provide value

Providing value utilizes the human tendency to seek profit and avoid harm.

Because people like to get things for free, and automatically resist things that require payment.

It’s like this: you’ve just joined a new WeChat community and want everyone to notice you quickly, so you might as well send out a red envelope. Even if it’s only a few dollars, someone will grab it.

By utilizing people’s “profit-seeking nature”, you can motivate the other party to interact with you.

To do this:

During the chat interaction, you actively provide positive emotional feedback. Even if the other party’s attitude is average, you can keep a stable state of mind. When chatting, give the other party “recognition” or praise to make the chat atmosphere better, and the other party will be willing to interact with you.

Here are two examples:

▶The other person: “Oh”, “Yeah”, “Hehe”

You: “Let me tell you a secret. The person who said “Oh” to me before has been killed by me (providing positive emotional value)”

▶The other person: “Ah, I’m so tired today”

You: “Come, sit down and give me a beating~” (providing behavioral value)

▶Other person: Hahahaha

That is to say, when we provide value, we should not worry about getting some feedback. As long as we hold the attitude of “I just want to make you happy, I don’t care whether you are happy or not”, we can let go of the burden with ease.

But many people make a mistake here – they provide value and then ask for it. This becomes “providing value with a purpose”, which is completely wrong. Once the other party realizes that you have a purpose, they will think you are insincere.

✘Wrong way to provide value in a purposeful way:

▶The other person: “Ah, I’m so tired today”

You: “Come, sit down and I’ll give you a good beating~, and after that you have to come out and date me tomorrow.”

▶Other party: Uh…

You can feel it, right? The difference between the two is still very obvious.

In fact, every interaction is an opportunity to increase your relationship with each other. Seizing every opportunity to chat to advance the relationship will definitely lead you towards love.

However, many people don’t know how the spark of love is generated. The following will give you a better understanding from the perspective of “brain science”~

The collision of emotions creates the spark of love

In the early days of reptiles, in order to adapt to survival, reptiles evolved the initial “instinctive brain”.

The instinctive brain has only instincts, either fight or flee, without any emotion or thinking. This evolution is to allow animals to survive in harsh environments.

Then, mammals began to appear. They not only preserved the “instinctive brain”, but also evolved an “emotional brain” that can adapt to the environment and perceive emotions. The emotional brain is responsible for our emotions towards things and plays a role in seeking benefits and avoiding harm in harsh environments.

Pleasure and comfort increase intimacy between opposite sexes, while fear and discomfort can make us escape from danger.

Then gradually, emotions such as anger, boredom, happiness, and pity emerged.

Finally, humans emerged and slowly evolved a “rational brain”. The rational brain develops your thinking ability, cognitive ability, learning ability, language expression ability, etc. It helps us create language, develop science, and learn to reflect.

Love is the emotional changes in the “emotional brain” that make us start to have feelings for another person, rather than the so-called “rational brain” that subjectively judges “because of xxx, so I have to like TA”, or “rational inference” “reasonable calculation”, I need to like everyone, etc.

Therefore, this determines that the other person will not subjectively choose to like you just because you buy a gift for him/her.

You will not like someone unconditionally just because his or her family is well-off.

“Because he likes me, so I like him” → This is unrealistic. Once rational judgments appear in your mind to “choose whether to like the other person”, this relationship is no longer the original appearance of love.

Love comes from “sensitivity” and the good feelings generated by “changes in emotions”.

When you feel comfortable with someone and he can make you happy, angry, sad, or worried, you will subconsciously invest your emotions, and this person will often become the beginning of your relationship.

So you will find that those who find it difficult to fall in love find it difficult to invest their emotions in others, treat everything rationally, objectively evaluate right and wrong, and judge right and wrong. This is meaningless for the progress of a relationship.

If you want to fall in love easily, you have to mobilize your emotions, mobilize your own emotions and the emotions of others.

Now that you have the feeling of being in love, how do you give the final finishing touch to advance the relationship?

Promote the relationship and love will come naturally

When you have already fallen in love with each other and are in the ambiguous stage, neither of you is willing to reveal this relationship. Then you can use these skills to pave the way for love to come naturally.

1. Reverse pursuit

If you like each other, you can put yourself in the “passive” position and give the other person the feeling that he or she is actively pursuing you. The positions of man and woman are reversed, which will increase the ambiguous feeling between each other.

Specific approach: When the atmosphere is ambiguous, put yourself in the position of being pursued, and pave the way for hinting the other person to get close to you. This will deepen the ambiguity and love will naturally occur.

Formula: When the other party needs you + humorous rejection + conditional agreement

For example:

★When the other person wants to go shopping with you:

——You: No, unless you praise me as handsome/cute

★When the other person wants to go to the movies with you:

——You: Sure, but you can’t hold my hand secretly.

Give the other person a “hint” that he or she wants to pursue you, and once the atmosphere is set, everything will happen naturally.

Many things in love don’t need to be said, and the ambiguous feeling creates a sweet love.

2. Implant intimacy expectations

Once the relationship is in place, you can use preset language with intimate scenes to create more intimate expectations for both parties and lay the groundwork for a romantic atmosphere, so that the other person looks forward to the sweetness of being together.

How to do it: Describe more intimate details and action scenes in chat

Formula: Details + Intimate Scenery Action

For example:

★Describe ambiguous interactions:

“Luckily you’re not my girlfriend. If you were my girlfriend and you still looked at me like that, I really wouldn’t be able to help but kiss you.”

★Describe the scene:

“From now on, when you cook in the kitchen, I can hug you from behind…”

PS: This kind of scene can be seen in everyday love movies, love novels, etc. No one is born romantic. Romantic plots are all created from daily life materials and imagination. You have to make yourself a person who understands “romance”.

In this way, you will understand the entire process from emotional chat to love.

Hope you learn something from it.