When pursuing a girl, should I chat with her every day? When should I give up?

When we fall in love with someone, we often involuntarily invest time and energy in that person, eager to pursue that person through our efforts. However, many people often find that the more proactive they are, the further they push the other person away.

Why is this?

You can first see if you make the following two common mistakes when chatting during the pursuit process:

1. If the other party does not reply to the message or does not reply in time, you will frequently ask questions out of anxiety.

2. Over-speculating on the other person’s thoughts, making chatting a burden

If this has happened, don’t panic. These are normal phenomena and just mean that you are deeply in love with the other person at this time.

Let’s analyze it carefully below.

Let’s talk about the first one first: if the other party doesn’t reply to the message or replies late, you will ask frequently out of anxiety.

This is actually a potential “game” in emotions, which comes from the fact that everyone wants “feedback”, especially “positive feedback”.

It’s like: you put in 80% of the effort, and at least hope to get a 70% to 80% return, but when the actual return is 30% or even no return, you will become anxious, disappointed, and collapse to the point of being mentally unbalanced.

You want to find feedback from the other person. If you like her, you will desperately want and look for proof that she likes you too.

For example, you sent a message and the other party didn’t reply:

a. What are you doing? Why are you ignoring me?

b. Did I do something wrong? Can’t I just correct it?

c. Just forget it if you don’t reply to the message and don’t contact me in the future

d. Staring at the phone all the time, your emotions and attention are taken away by the other person

But the reality may be: the other party is just busy and not looking at the phone. Or he saw the message but was distracted by something and forgot to reply.

But for you at this moment, because you have assumed in advance that the other person is your only one and everything, you have no other choice after losing him/her, so you will double your investment in feelings and slowly incur “sunk costs.”

In your own opinion: You are indeed very loyal and have made many compromises in order to pursue the person you like.

But in the eyes of the other party: your hard work puts too much pressure on her, and this pressure will make her feel uncomfortable and want to escape.

Think about it, if someone suddenly treats you super well but you are unable to repay or express gratitude, this gratitude will gradually turn into pressure and you will want to escape.

Love is originally a matter between two people. You like the other person but you cannot ask the other person to like you too.

In this way, you will become anxious and worried because you cannot get the other person’s love and recognition, and you will feel that you are not good enough and need to give more. In fact, this is not the case.

Just because she doesn’t like you doesn’t mean others don’t like you. There’s no need to get emotionally involved with one person, just change people, you can find the answer from the people who like you.

Second: Over-speculating on the other person’s thoughts makes chatting a burden

If you like someone, you will subconsciously develop the emotion of “fear of losing” and feel lack of confidence.

So when chatting, you will stay in the dialog box for a long time thinking, thinking over and over again about the appropriate reply, racking your brains to make the other person laugh. In fact, this has deviated from the essence of love and chatting.

Whether it is love or chatting, the purpose is to make both parties happy. If you try every possible way to make the other person happy just to get him/her, it is not worth it and it is not an equal relationship.

For example:

a. When the other person responds, you start to think about how to respond appropriately

b. The other party didn’t reply to me. Did he say something wrong? Is he chatting with someone else?

c. If someone doesn’t like me, how can I use the rhetoric to make him like me?

Let me tell you the truth: chatting is not all about love. No one can easily win the other person’s favor with just a few words. Love should be about the feeling the whole process brings to the other person. You can consider the other person, but don’t pay too much attention to the other person’s thoughts. Just be sincere and express yourself naturally.

The premise of loving someone is to love yourself deeply. If you lose yourself in order to get someone, then this relationship is not healthy and will inevitably become unbalanced over time.

So if you like a girl, should you chat with her every day? The answer depends on the specific situation. Here are some practical tips.

If you like someone, do you want to chat with him/her every day?

Whether you should chat with her every day depends on: whether you like her → whether she likes you.

So how do you tell if the other person likes you?

Specifically look at these 3 points:

See how fast she replies to your message, see how many words she uses to reply to your message, and see if she is willing to invest her emotions.

If the reactions to these three points are all good, it means that the favorability is high, otherwise it means that the person is not interested in you at this time.

Formula: “Number of words in reply” + “Reply speed” + “Emotional involvement”

For example:

If you send several lines and the other party replies with “um”, “ah” or “oh”, don’t continue to look for deeper topics.

If you reply quickly and the other party doesn’t reply for an hour, half a day or even doesn’t reply at all, don’t keep pestering them and asking for an explanation.

If you feel from the other person’s reply that she is just discussing the matter at hand and not investing any emotions, then don’t continue to pester her and look for her every day.

Many people are not mature enough in relationships: once faced with such a “one-sided passion”, they have to ask the other party for an explanation.

But the real reason is not that complicated – he/she just doesn’t like you.

It is impolite to keep knocking on a door that they don’t want to open, and you can never wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep.

Therefore, we should be more mature in our understanding of love, knowing that if there is little hope, we should just cut our losses. But if the other person likes you, don’t worry too much, and take the initiative to promote the relationship, so that you can avoid detours in love.

When you accurately judge whether the other person likes you, you can develop a chat strategy based on different situations:

Whether you chat every day depends on whether both parties feel comfortable chatting. If you develop a chat strategy around comfort, you won’t go wrong.

1. If she likes you, it doesn’t matter if you chat with her every day

From the other person’s perspective: Why doesn’t this idiot come to see me? I’ve been waiting for you for so long.

At this point, if you can recognize that the other person likes you, you can take the initiative to find the other person and make the progress of your relationship faster.

In this case, it’s totally fine for you to look for her every day. On the contrary, it will make her feel that you value her enough.

To do this:

Formula: Talk about status + talk about feelings + talk about daily life

For example:

▶ “(Taking photos) This dish is really delicious, it’s called XXXX, balabala…” (Chatting status)

▶ “I just got home and I’m so tired” (talking about feelings)

▶ “I go out on weekends and go to XXX with my friends” (chatting about daily life)

Any information you see can be turned into a “topic” to discuss with the other person. If the other person likes you, he or she will be willing to respond and listen to you.

It is not the best option to chat all the time when you just start to like each other. First, both parties need to have a normal life, and should not chat all the time. Second, chatting too closely at the beginning will make both of you feel “high”, which will easily lead to a rapid cooling down later.

Therefore, the rational use of the psychological concept of “detachment” can not only give the other person a feeling of wanting more and increase their liking for you, but also make the overall development speed more appropriate.

Withdrawal: When both parties are chatting and their emotions are high, if it is late or there are other things to do, the topic can be temporarily suspended, leaving a feeling of “to be continued”.

It’s like this: when you’re watching a TV series and it’s reaching the most crucial plot, an ad suddenly pops up saying “Excitement continues later”. You’d rather watch the ad and look forward to the next key plot development.

To do it specifically: When you are chatting with each other about a topic and the emotions are getting high and the interactions are frequent, take the initiative to cut off the topic and say you’ll talk about it next time.

Formula: Emotional upsurge + proactive cut-off

For example:

——Other person: Ahahaha, I think it’s funny too

You: “It’s too late today. I’ll continue to tell you XXX next time. It will be more fun.”

——Other person: Yeah, ok.

This creates a feeling of “wanting more to come” and increases the other person’s desire to chat with you.

2. If she doesn’t like you, you need to reduce the frequency of chatting

From the other person’s perspective: Why is it happening again? It’s so annoying.

At this time, if you continue to chat with the other person every day, or even ask them “Have you eaten, have you arrived, what are you doing” after every meal, it will only accelerate the degree to which they hate you.

At this point, what you really should do is to reduce the frequency of chatting and increase your own attractiveness.

To do this specifically: reduce the frequency of looking for each other, enrich your life and focus on building a circle of friends.

Formula: Try chatting every two or three days + build a circle of friends

Don’t look for the other person again after interrupting the chat. If the response is not good, go back and rebuild the circle of friends until the other person sees you and becomes interested in you, then continue chatting.

To build a circle of friends, do this:

Delete meaningless, negative, dirty and messy photos and texts. People all like positive, healthy and positive energy.

Post content about your hard work, clean photos, travel and food, and independent thinking, and your appeal will increase significantly.

In the Internet age, “Circle of Friends” is a social resume. Posting your daily life online makes it easier for your friends to get to know the real you, but the prerequisite is that your own life is truly rich. If you haven’t achieved that, you should change it step by step to achieve it.

When you try again, if the other party’s attitude towards you softens, you can continue the chat.

Why shouldn’t you try to win the other person’s favor with effort and touching when the other person is not interested in you?

When the other person is not interested in you, being proactive will make him or her avoid you.

In relationships between men and women, goodwill comes from mutual attraction.

But many people have this wrong perception: as long as they love the other person and give more affection to the other person, they can get the other person to “like them” as well.

This is essentially a kind of “pseudo-effort” of self-admiration and is of no help to the actual progress of your relationship.

You like someone not because of what she does to you, but because of what she does to herself, such as makeup, dressing up, strong ability, beauty, talent, etc.

——Don’t try to gain the other person’s love by “giving your affection”, because affection ≠ love.

When I’m not interested in you:

In your opinion: like her → try hard to impress her and pursue her → she avoids you → your efforts are not enough to impress her → try harder → she avoids you even more

In her opinion: not interested in you → receiving your love → unable to accept, unable to return → avoiding pressure

This means looking at the issue of “pursuing emotion” from different perspectives of both parties. Without this awareness, one will often fall into emotional misunderstandings and cannot find the right direction.

As for chatting, you actively chatting with her every day will not win her love:

a. Girls don’t like people who lack a sense of security

Specific manifestations: clingy, no private space, likes to guess

On the surface, they revolve around each other every day, want to share everything with each other, find a sense of recognition in the other’s eyes, and become very sensitive if they are slightly neglected, worrying about gains and losses and making random guesses.

At this time, girls will feel that the boy is very immature. He looks grown up on the surface, but he is still a “giant baby” in his heart. Every time he chats with her, he has to act like he is coaxing a child. This makes him unsuitable for a relationship.

Gradually, I dislike them less and less, and independent and attitude-oriented men become more popular.

b. Girls don’t like idle people.

Specific manifestations: Chatting with each other all the time, replying to each message within seconds.

Even if the other person doesn’t say it, she will think that you are a person who has nothing to do and is idle all day long just chatting with others. In this way, you are full of “sense of purpose” in her eyes. Revolving around the other person means that in your heart, other things are not as important as this person, which is incorrect.

A mature man puts his career first.

Love should always come after career.

c. Girls don’t like people with low empathy

Specific manifestations: Only thinking from one’s own perspective and not caring about the other person’s situation or feelings.

When you chat with her, if she happens to be in a bad mood and doesn’t want to reply, you will feel let down.

Chatting is something that requires both parties to invest time and energy. You are willing to invest, but the other party may not be. If the other party does not have the time, mood, or energy to respond to you, will you feel angry and dissatisfied?

In this way, when you go to her to ask for an explanation again, she will feel that it is meaningless and will just break up.

If you can feel the other person’s mood, you have empathy. How the other person reacts is her choice, and you just need to do your best.

Your emotions cannot be affected by the other person.

So how do we relieve negative emotions once they arise and how do we minimize the impact on others?

“Turn” + “Place” + “Estimate” to break the negative emotions in the chat

“Turn”: divert attention

That is to say, when you like her very much but she rarely responds to you, you can easily feel depressed and lost. The best solution at this time is to divert your attention.

You will find that as long as people are busy and subconsciously focus on the present, they will not think about so many things.

Do this specifically: When she doesn’t reply, responds poorly, or doesn’t like you, focus on the current work and find something to do first.

Formula: Divert emotions + focus on things

For example:

——The other party does not reply to the message.

You: “It doesn’t matter. I’ll finish the work at hand first and talk to you later.”

When you find that you don’t consider the other person’s reaction as the most important thing, negative emotions will naturally decrease a lot. And when you finish your work, the satisfaction given by endorphins will make you feel fulfilled and get rid of “being trapped by love”.

It’s her business if she doesn’t like you, you just need to find someone who likes you to talk to.

Shifting your target is also a good option.

“Place”: Correct the direction of life

Many people think that “feelings” occupy the primary position in life. Most “love-brained” people think this way. Losing a person is like losing the whole world.

As a person, career, family, friends, and dreams are all important. Love can be the icing on the cake, but it can never be the only help in your life.

To do it specifically: List out your career, dreams, family and friends in different aspects on a piece of paper, and see what other areas you can work on besides love.

Estimation: Emotional prediction

That is, when you reply and receive a response from the other party, you now have an emotional estimate in your mind.

It’s good if the other party replies, but it’s also normal if they don’t reply.

How to do it: Before sending a message to the other party, have a rough estimate in your mind. Whether what you say will be offensive, easy to receive, what the reaction will be, and be calm if there is no reply.

We cannot control the other party’s understanding and feelings, but we can roughly assess the direction.

If the response is good, then continue chatting. If the response is not good, it’s okay to stop chatting and talk about it later.

Don’t have too high expectations in your heart, the results are often unexpected.

I hope you can adjust your mindset during love chats, overcome negative emotions, control the frequency of chats, and find your own happiness as soon as possible.